so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
