She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
