Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
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