ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
