Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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