before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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