Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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