Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
