You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
