So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
