I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
