Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
