so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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