soooo we both peed the bed last night...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
