He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
