I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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