my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
