I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
