forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
