But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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