I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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