This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
