I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
