Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
