im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And then my night got REAL pukey
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
