If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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