260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
