Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
