She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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