I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
