After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
