my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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