she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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