Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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