Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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