Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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