my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize