Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
