Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
