I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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