I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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