im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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