I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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