I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
