Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
