i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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