If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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