Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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