Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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