youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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