And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
