I hate all girls vehemently.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
