I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize