i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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