I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
