Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
