Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
