let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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